I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
