She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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