You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
