Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
