Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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