Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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