my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
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