Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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