I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Your cock deserves a montage
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
