i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
