just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
