hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My cat gives me a boner
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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