My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
