Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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