When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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