I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
