i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
