Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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