i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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