I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Someone shattered a urinal.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
