i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
