Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
