insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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