Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
