lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
