If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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