maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
