Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
