Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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