Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
