My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
found the other keg... it's in the tree
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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