I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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