thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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