So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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