Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
