Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
