i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
