my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
