the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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