hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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