so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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