it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
