Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
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