Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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