You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
