I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
