I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
