Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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