i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
