I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
