Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
