The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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