He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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