Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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