I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
