I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
