Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
