so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
