He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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